It's a Curse

You've been ignoring me for a while. Well 4 months maybe? With lots of texts you ignore, my birthday that you forget, and many more (suicide pills for my heart). And that day, I'm so tired of missing you. I felt like there's nothing left at my heart for you to crush. And I thought I've changed a lot since I forget our anniversary due to my hectic schedule. I guess I can finally forget you. And one night, I've decided to trully move on. With nothing about you left behind. I was so dedicated, trully motivated. Even talk to my friend about it. But God says otherwise because the next morning I see you 'sad posting' at path and I wonder why.

"Maybe I should text you one last time, you wont reply it anyway. Just so I'm sure that I'm ready to go"

Then I text you, "when will you come to your hometown?" Unimportant question. The one that you wouldn't answer. But then God says no. You reply. Not only 3 letters as always. You talk. Talking about your event. Asking me to come and promote it to my friends. As usual I asked you to help me buying the tickets. This makes my heart once again fluttering. But then you suddenly stop texting back. You know what it feels like? It feels like crap. Damn! It was hard for me to leave at the first time but then I take courage to leave. But suddenly you call me back and I lost all the courage. And then suddenly you throw me out again. Haaaaaah it's so God damn frustrating. It's all my fault. I should have not text you at the first time. It had failed, my effort to move on. And once again it crushed to its limit, my heart. 

I continued to live. Once again try to have courageous to erase you. Finally make a resolution if 2014 : move on. But God always says no when it comes to leaving you. You suddenly text me. Asking if I want to buy the ticket. Do I ever say no to you? This time to, there's something wrong. Your text were longer, and warmer. I thought there's something wrong with you. I guess you've been fighting with her.

It's been a while I'm worried about you. Since I know you've been busy preparing the event. And the last time your girlfriend break up with her boyfriend, it's because he was too busy. I'm afraid that she will leave you too now. I'm afraid that you'd get hurt. And then the next day I see you posted on Line, "nothing lasts forever". It pass straight to that hypothesis. This is bad, you're breaking up. Then I asked you, it turns out i was right. I see you, you're so hurt. And I cant even feel happy seing you being single because it hurts me too, seeing you're hurt that bad. I really wish I could heal your wounds but nothing's changed anyway. You still didnt look at me nor hear me. It's been 8 years, that you've been close your senses on my heart. On my feelings for you. The uncountable tears that has fallen, thousand words of love, how many seconds of my life, I've been using to think about you? It doesnt even make sense for me why I do love a man that isn't 'seeing' me.

But still I'm worried about you. I want to make sure you're okay. I ask it from ask.fm anonymously. It's surprising that the answers are so warm. You say that your heart is only mine, you say thank you, and you put emote on it too. Haha. It's so ironic that you'd say that to a stranger but not to me, the one that has been doing it for 8 years. Maybe it just because it's me. It hurts me even more, Rez. I really want to stop loving you. It's so hard and tiring. But everytime I try to move on, God says no. And when I think about it, maybe you're being cold is better for me than giving false hope to me. I'm sorry, all these years you've never been the one to blame. It's always on me. This love is a curse that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

I'll be fine, Rez. All those scars will heal for you like always. When you come to me, no matter what I'll open my arms widely. Live your life happily. Dont hurt too deep because it kills me too. Find someone else to heal your wounds quickly if you think I cant heal it. I'll be here, will always be. The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever have, all your goods and bads, I will stand by you through anything. :)

The Unseen

He's the one that smiles the brightest
He's the one that has always has always been there for her
He's the one that accept her as the way she is
He's the one that protect her
Being kind even if she doesn't care at all
Whether she knows or not
He's looking, checking.
Is she fine?
Is she smiling? Has something happened to her?
He's the one that has loved her since the first time he saw her
With his whole heart, he would do anything to make her smile
But why does she keep looking away? Is she blind?

God, is it fate? It's impossible to overturn Your fate, right? What should I do?  To me, he's everything. My effort will beat everything but Your fate. There's nothing else can save me but You.

"All those efforts, the unseen, for you", he said

Happy Birthday Mr. B :)

Sorry for the late post Mr. B but happy birthday to you. Hoping all the best for you. And I've prepared some things for your birthday. The one you've recieved and this one.

Thanks for having me at your house for the second time. Second time? When was the first time? The first time was when you texted me "where are you?" for the first time. Only just with those words I ran as fast as I could and come to you. You had to stay alone at your house that time because your maid went home and you need somebody to accompanying you. We were planning to go karaoke when I felt it's too late to do it and I need to be home at 10. So we stay, at your house, just the two of us. We talk about things, having conversation about your life. When I asked "Has your girlfriend been here?" and you said no. I was like, "wow, It's good to be the first" we stay at your bedroom. You were playing songs with your guitar and I sing along. I sneaked into your closet to see what clothes you've had while thingking what I should buy for your birthday. You were panicked not realizing that your house electrical power is empty and you need to buy it but you dont know how. So we went to the nearest minimarket and buy it. Done checking all the windows and the door if it's locked, I went home with a lot of things happening at my head. I was so happy. Happy about how you call me when you need someone. Happy for taking a good care of you. You dont know how much I love it when I see you smile, comfortable, and being cared of. The way you smile and say thank you when I bring you lunch when you were really busy preparing your school's bazaar is enough to pay all the pain you've made me.
After that all I can think is preparing for your birthday. Pouring all my effort to make the best present, not sleeping and make the video, not eating to save money, went here and there to got your friends's wishes, it was fun. Because I imagine how happy you'd be when you recieve it.  At the day came. We can meet at 25 march because you met with your girlfriend. The next day you told me to come to your house so I came. And you were so happy when you saw you presents. You said "thank you so much, i dont know what to say" while brightly smiling and melt my heart away. :) after that we had lunch together and talk.
I: you can date whoever you want now. But come to me when you've decided to get married.
You laugh......
R: why?
I: because if we date now,,,
R: wont happen
I: lets just say IF we date now. We might fail again, and I'm afraid you'd hurt me or I'd hurt you. I'm afraid my love for you will be gone while this feeling is the only feeling I believe will always be with me forever.
R: but isn't it will hurt more if I marry you and then hurt you?
I: well, i thought marriage would be different
R: why dont you date another guy?
I: why? Do I bothered you that much? You dont like me that much?
R: It's not that. It's just....... I dont want to see you waiting for uncertainty.
I: there's nothing certain happen. And I'm not waiting for you though. I would date a man when I find one. It's just there's no one right now. I'm just fine. Didnt I say I wont date you even if you ask me now. Why dont you just try making me lose my feeling for you?
R: how?
I: why dont you try to date me and break my heart?
R: eey... You just want me to date you huh?
I: hahahaha you got me. =))
I was laughing when we talk. Looking fine but I thought that you were trying to push me away. I was sad, hurt. But half of my head say it's just you, seing how hard I tried and feel that I deserve more than you. You were testing me whether if I wouldmsay yesnor no when you say you want to smoke. And I said sure you can. Dont you believe that I would accept you all the way you are? You shared about how you became a candidate of the leader for next year bazaar, and how you choose not to be and handle the other important part because you know they'll needed you there more than just be the leader. I love it when you tell me things about you and asked my opinion. But now you dont even respone to my message. Read only. Even the one that saying a cheer for your biggest happening event, PSP. You didnt even say thanks. But, yeah. What else can I do? Maybe that's because you're just having your first anniversary with your girlfriend. Congratulation. :) wish nothing but the best for you. Even if it's realy realy hurt me so much :') maybe I need to walk away now. Waiting for the day to come, when all my hardworks paid.

"I'd save the best (you) for the last, Mr. B :)"

After A Long Long Time

I really really dont know why I start typing again. I just wanted to share my feelings one more time.
I broke up with Mr. C and yeah that doesn't matter to me anyway. You know whom my heart belong to from the first time, dont you? Mr.B now has a girlfriend. A really nice, kind hearted, soft girl, they said. That's a relieved. It's not the main thing that I want to say. The main thing is the fact that him, having a girlfriend, doesnt change anything. He still wants to see me, play with me, help me get the tickets of his schools' bazaar. Well, I dont know what to say but thank you. For still having me as a friend, or someone who you can talk to.

You know what Mr. B?
After eight years filled with smiles and cries of loving you, I realize that the main thing is not being your girlfriend. It's being someone who will always be there even time passes by. I've experienced everything at these 8 years. Phase when I really want to know you, phase when you were bothered by my exsistence, phase when you started to be curious about me, phase of being your girlfriend, phase of the break up, the no-string-attached, being left with no reasons for many times, phase when we start enjoying our time together when I had a boyfriend, phase when I have to see you dating someone else for real plus the heartache and now maybe I've come to the phase when it feels alright even if you have a girlfriend. As long as you still talks to me, as long as I know you're okay, I think I can love you like this. I've learnt how to love you with every condition you have.

But lately, I faced a condition that I thought would never come. The condition when you're starting to seek something new. Those kind of usual boy's activity when they grow up. It was a quite shocking but then you've come clean that you're just trying it. And all I can do is just believing you and ask you to tell me everything even if you do something veeeeery bad. I thought I would be angry to you, and hate you because of that like what happened to Mr. C but I dont. Well you're always be treated different from any other man  in my life. The fact that your girlfriend doesnt know, makes me think that if being your girlfriend means you'll be lying to me, I'm relieved that I'm not your girlfriend. And the more I think, being your girlfriend means that I have to be ready whether you hurt me, or I hurt you. I have to be ready if it's failed. And a crazy thought passes my mind. Now you can have girlfriend(s) as many as you want but come back to me when you're ready for the serious one and marry me... Hahahaha

Phase "okay even if  he has a girlfriend" is hard to be passed. There's a guy who like my friend but she has a boyfriend. My friend wants to be just a close friend with that guy but that guy can't. He said that he cant be "just friend" because of his feelings. The option are being more than friend or nothing at all. And thing that happen is they're not becoming anything not as friend nor as a more than friend. But I manage to pass that, finally, after 8 years. My friend say that I am so strong. Yes of course, it's because of love. :)
People say many things about my love to you. Some of them say that i'm pathetic poor girl with a one-sided useless love. Some of them say that I disturb your relationship. Some of them say that I'm very very sincere. They can say everything but what I believe is that my love to you is different than any other love I've ever felt ever since I lived in this earth. And i've done a lot of difficulties after 8 years. It's not that easy to love someone like this. And I struggle with all of my heart. So, I have rights to keep this feeling.

Good night Mr. B, have a nice dream. ❤

Cie yang besok mau baca. Jangan ketawa ya! Jangan nangis juga bacanya. Senyum aja. Senyum gantengnya yang biasa kalau lagi seneng. Maaf kalau alay namanya juga lagi galau. .___. Jadi malu kan blog nya mau dibaca. Yaudah sih. Terakhir juga. Sebelum di spam. Keep smile!