I really really dont know why I start typing again. I just wanted to share my feelings one more time.
I broke up with Mr. C and yeah that doesn't matter to me anyway. You know whom my heart belong to from the first time, dont you? Mr.B now has a girlfriend. A really nice, kind hearted, soft girl, they said. That's a relieved. It's not the main thing that I want to say. The main thing is the fact that him, having a girlfriend, doesnt change anything. He still wants to see me, play with me, help me get the tickets of his schools' bazaar. Well, I dont know what to say but thank you. For still having me as a friend, or someone who you can talk to.
You know what Mr. B?
After eight years filled with smiles and cries of loving you, I realize that the main thing is not being your girlfriend. It's being someone who will always be there even time passes by. I've experienced everything at these 8 years. Phase when I really want to know you, phase when you were bothered by my exsistence, phase when you started to be curious about me, phase of being your girlfriend, phase of the break up, the no-string-attached, being left with no reasons for many times, phase when we start enjoying our time together when I had a boyfriend, phase when I have to see you dating someone else for real plus the heartache and now maybe I've come to the phase when it feels alright even if you have a girlfriend. As long as you still talks to me, as long as I know you're okay, I think I can love you like this. I've learnt how to love you with every condition you have.
But lately, I faced a condition that I thought would never come. The condition when you're starting to seek something new. Those kind of usual boy's activity when they grow up. It was a quite shocking but then you've come clean that you're just trying it. And all I can do is just believing you and ask you to tell me everything even if you do something veeeeery bad. I thought I would be angry to you, and hate you because of that like what happened to Mr. C but I dont. Well you're always be treated different from any other man in my life. The fact that your girlfriend doesnt know, makes me think that if being your girlfriend means you'll be lying to me, I'm relieved that I'm not your girlfriend. And the more I think, being your girlfriend means that I have to be ready whether you hurt me, or I hurt you. I have to be ready if it's failed. And a crazy thought passes my mind. Now you can have girlfriend(s) as many as you want but come back to me when you're ready for the serious one and marry me... Hahahaha
Phase "okay even if he has a girlfriend" is hard to be passed. There's a guy who like my friend but she has a boyfriend. My friend wants to be just a close friend with that guy but that guy can't. He said that he cant be "just friend" because of his feelings. The option are being more than friend or nothing at all. And thing that happen is they're not becoming anything not as friend nor as a more than friend. But I manage to pass that, finally, after 8 years. My friend say that I am so strong. Yes of course, it's because of love. :)
People say many things about my love to you. Some of them say that i'm pathetic poor girl with a one-sided useless love. Some of them say that I disturb your relationship. Some of them say that I'm very very sincere. They can say everything but what I believe is that my love to you is different than any other love I've ever felt ever since I lived in this earth. And i've done a lot of difficulties after 8 years. It's not that easy to love someone like this. And I struggle with all of my heart. So, I have rights to keep this feeling.
Good night Mr. B, have a nice dream. ❤
