You've been ignoring me for a while. Well 4 months maybe? With lots of texts you ignore, my birthday that you forget, and many more (suicide pills for my heart). And that day, I'm so tired of missing you. I felt like there's nothing left at my heart for you to crush. And I thought I've changed a lot since I forget our anniversary due to my hectic schedule. I guess I can finally forget you. And one night, I've decided to trully move on. With nothing about you left behind. I was so dedicated, trully motivated. Even talk to my friend about it. But God says otherwise because the next morning I see you 'sad posting' at path and I wonder why.
"Maybe I should text you one last time, you wont reply it anyway. Just so I'm sure that I'm ready to go"
Then I text you, "when will you come to your hometown?" Unimportant question. The one that you wouldn't answer. But then God says no. You reply. Not only 3 letters as always. You talk. Talking about your event. Asking me to come and promote it to my friends. As usual I asked you to help me buying the tickets. This makes my heart once again fluttering. But then you suddenly stop texting back. You know what it feels like? It feels like crap. Damn! It was hard for me to leave at the first time but then I take courage to leave. But suddenly you call me back and I lost all the courage. And then suddenly you throw me out again. Haaaaaah it's so God damn frustrating. It's all my fault. I should have not text you at the first time. It had failed, my effort to move on. And once again it crushed to its limit, my heart.
I continued to live. Once again try to have courageous to erase you. Finally make a resolution if 2014 : move on. But God always says no when it comes to leaving you. You suddenly text me. Asking if I want to buy the ticket. Do I ever say no to you? This time to, there's something wrong. Your text were longer, and warmer. I thought there's something wrong with you. I guess you've been fighting with her.
It's been a while I'm worried about you. Since I know you've been busy preparing the event. And the last time your girlfriend break up with her boyfriend, it's because he was too busy. I'm afraid that she will leave you too now. I'm afraid that you'd get hurt. And then the next day I see you posted on Line, "nothing lasts forever". It pass straight to that hypothesis. This is bad, you're breaking up. Then I asked you, it turns out i was right. I see you, you're so hurt. And I cant even feel happy seing you being single because it hurts me too, seeing you're hurt that bad. I really wish I could heal your wounds but nothing's changed anyway. You still didnt look at me nor hear me. It's been 8 years, that you've been close your senses on my heart. On my feelings for you. The uncountable tears that has fallen, thousand words of love, how many seconds of my life, I've been using to think about you? It doesnt even make sense for me why I do love a man that isn't 'seeing' me.
But still I'm worried about you. I want to make sure you're okay. I ask it from ask.fm anonymously. It's surprising that the answers are so warm. You say that your heart is only mine, you say thank you, and you put emote on it too. Haha. It's so ironic that you'd say that to a stranger but not to me, the one that has been doing it for 8 years. Maybe it just because it's me. It hurts me even more, Rez. I really want to stop loving you. It's so hard and tiring. But everytime I try to move on, God says no. And when I think about it, maybe you're being cold is better for me than giving false hope to me. I'm sorry, all these years you've never been the one to blame. It's always on me. This love is a curse that I have to live with for the rest of my life.
I'll be fine, Rez. All those scars will heal for you like always. When you come to me, no matter what I'll open my arms widely. Live your life happily. Dont hurt too deep because it kills me too. Find someone else to heal your wounds quickly if you think I cant heal it. I'll be here, will always be. The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever have, all your goods and bads, I will stand by you through anything. :)
