After A Long Long Time

I really really dont know why I start typing again. I just wanted to share my feelings one more time.
I broke up with Mr. C and yeah that doesn't matter to me anyway. You know whom my heart belong to from the first time, dont you? Mr.B now has a girlfriend. A really nice, kind hearted, soft girl, they said. That's a relieved. It's not the main thing that I want to say. The main thing is the fact that him, having a girlfriend, doesnt change anything. He still wants to see me, play with me, help me get the tickets of his schools' bazaar. Well, I dont know what to say but thank you. For still having me as a friend, or someone who you can talk to.

You know what Mr. B?
After eight years filled with smiles and cries of loving you, I realize that the main thing is not being your girlfriend. It's being someone who will always be there even time passes by. I've experienced everything at these 8 years. Phase when I really want to know you, phase when you were bothered by my exsistence, phase when you started to be curious about me, phase of being your girlfriend, phase of the break up, the no-string-attached, being left with no reasons for many times, phase when we start enjoying our time together when I had a boyfriend, phase when I have to see you dating someone else for real plus the heartache and now maybe I've come to the phase when it feels alright even if you have a girlfriend. As long as you still talks to me, as long as I know you're okay, I think I can love you like this. I've learnt how to love you with every condition you have.

But lately, I faced a condition that I thought would never come. The condition when you're starting to seek something new. Those kind of usual boy's activity when they grow up. It was a quite shocking but then you've come clean that you're just trying it. And all I can do is just believing you and ask you to tell me everything even if you do something veeeeery bad. I thought I would be angry to you, and hate you because of that like what happened to Mr. C but I dont. Well you're always be treated different from any other man  in my life. The fact that your girlfriend doesnt know, makes me think that if being your girlfriend means you'll be lying to me, I'm relieved that I'm not your girlfriend. And the more I think, being your girlfriend means that I have to be ready whether you hurt me, or I hurt you. I have to be ready if it's failed. And a crazy thought passes my mind. Now you can have girlfriend(s) as many as you want but come back to me when you're ready for the serious one and marry me... Hahahaha

Phase "okay even if  he has a girlfriend" is hard to be passed. There's a guy who like my friend but she has a boyfriend. My friend wants to be just a close friend with that guy but that guy can't. He said that he cant be "just friend" because of his feelings. The option are being more than friend or nothing at all. And thing that happen is they're not becoming anything not as friend nor as a more than friend. But I manage to pass that, finally, after 8 years. My friend say that I am so strong. Yes of course, it's because of love. :)
People say many things about my love to you. Some of them say that i'm pathetic poor girl with a one-sided useless love. Some of them say that I disturb your relationship. Some of them say that I'm very very sincere. They can say everything but what I believe is that my love to you is different than any other love I've ever felt ever since I lived in this earth. And i've done a lot of difficulties after 8 years. It's not that easy to love someone like this. And I struggle with all of my heart. So, I have rights to keep this feeling.

Good night Mr. B, have a nice dream. ❤

Cie yang besok mau baca. Jangan ketawa ya! Jangan nangis juga bacanya. Senyum aja. Senyum gantengnya yang biasa kalau lagi seneng. Maaf kalau alay namanya juga lagi galau. .___. Jadi malu kan blog nya mau dibaca. Yaudah sih. Terakhir juga. Sebelum di spam. Keep smile!

Dgoyoeb

Dont ask how much i was hurt when i know you're dating her. Ask how much i'm happy when i know you're happy. I feel relieved, finally there will be someone who take care of you because i cant. And when my friend say she's a good girl. Well that's good i think. I admit i'm a jealous , it's a sign of love isnt it? But i will try to make it a wise jealousy. As long as you're happy, I'm fine. My friend say," Well, he cant just wait for you to break up with Mr. C, can he?" and yes she's totally right because i wont. I dont know but i thought he is more worthy and clear compared with you. I was hurt but, it's not the first you've made me so i think I'm getting used to it. Then what am I doing lately? Of course I love you a lot till it cant disappear. Meanwhile I know that i cant be your girlfriend. I dont know why you dont like me. maybe it was because all of those rumors spreading behind my back. Well i dont bother because i think someone who loves me wont even hear it. But maybe you're just not my destiny. Yeah whatever i'm tired though. All I had done it was just to make you happy. Because i love it, when i see you smile. maybe it's just how God shows me that you're not for me. That's why i'm walking out. Time will lead me to where i should be. Just take care and be happy. Go your own way and I'll go mine.

Fool

I'm feeling like a fool. Yes that fool, when you try to know the truth and when you've found it the truth is the one that hurts you so bad. I'm sad, i'm hurt but, half of my heart's relieved.
Let me hold you 
For the last time 
It's the last chance to feel again 
But you broke me 
Now I can't feel anything 

When I love you, 
It's so untrue 
I can't even convince myself 
When I'm speaking, 
It's the voice of someone else 

Oh it tears me up 
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much 
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay 

You can't play on broken strings 
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel 
I can't tell you something that ain't real 
Oh the truth hurts and lies worse 
How can I give anymore 
When I love you a little less than before 
Broken Strings-James Morrison

Whatever we've been through, your smile when you're looking at my scrapbook for you. When you wear that grey sweater and stay beside me. When I whisper jokes and you laugh, all those sacrifices for you, those waits. The hopes, of you having feelings to me. It should be waste away from now on.

If only I didn't care about you. IF ONLY I didn't ask what's wrong with you. If only I didnt ask, whom you love.

I: Jahaaaaaat, ga boleh suka sama cewe laaiiiiin. :(
R: Udah terlanjur suka. Gimana atuh?
I: Suka sama siapa atuh? P? T? M? Y? Y kan udah punya pacar? Atau U? Suka sama siapaaa? :(((
R: siapa yaaa? Kepo.
I: care tau! Suka sama temen sekelas ya? Pasti gara2 maen ke villa itu ya? :(
R: Iya, ngga ko udah lama.

You know what? I think I was like a donkey, or maybe I am.. It's not gonna change my feelings for you. It will always be the same. I love you, I still and will always be. It is not the first time you hurt me but still i cant deny that it hurts me. Why? Because of what we've been through last days, weeks and months.I'm sorry it was all my fault. I'm sorry. Maybe I should be back to the girl who miserably love you while you dont even care and see. Not being the one who use to hang out with you, who hold your hands when watching a movie. It was all my fault.

Sometimes I'm just confused. Why God keep this feeling for you very well in my heart? What does He want? What fate will He faces me with? Why???? Why should I love you this much?

Late, Happy birthday Mate. From your secret lover.

Hard

I found it hard not to post about you. So here I am. Posting for you, again.

Read only, I know. 50% of my messages for you always end up with read only. But doesnt mean i'm not hurt. I'm hurt okay? If only you would CARE. But you dont love me, do you? Not even a super tiny lil bit. That's what hurt most. But there's nothing I can say. I cant be angry.

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day
Broken Hearted Girl Beyonce

Cause right now i'm tired. And i need your cold "dont cry. I miss you. And it's right what Mr. Y said. When you didnt reply my messages, it makes me miss you more, want to see you more, not making me angry or mad. I just believe that you're the one that strong enough to be relied on when I'm down. But unfortunatelly you dont want to. And all I can do is only be patient. I miss you like a damn hell right now but there's nothing I can do.

When you not-officialy say goodbye, It's like I'm watching sunset. Cause I believe you'll be back. I just have to be patient.

Be back soon, Mate. I miss my halfsoul. I'm dying to make you see I need you here right now. I need your personality. I need your tickle, your smile, your big nose and your super big round eyes.

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of a winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best

What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
I wish that I was looking into your eyes
Won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay
Thinking of You Katy Perry