It's a Curse

You've been ignoring me for a while. Well 4 months maybe? With lots of texts you ignore, my birthday that you forget, and many more (suicide pills for my heart). And that day, I'm so tired of missing you. I felt like there's nothing left at my heart for you to crush. And I thought I've changed a lot since I forget our anniversary due to my hectic schedule. I guess I can finally forget you. And one night, I've decided to trully move on. With nothing about you left behind. I was so dedicated, trully motivated. Even talk to my friend about it. But God says otherwise because the next morning I see you 'sad posting' at path and I wonder why.

"Maybe I should text you one last time, you wont reply it anyway. Just so I'm sure that I'm ready to go"

Then I text you, "when will you come to your hometown?" Unimportant question. The one that you wouldn't answer. But then God says no. You reply. Not only 3 letters as always. You talk. Talking about your event. Asking me to come and promote it to my friends. As usual I asked you to help me buying the tickets. This makes my heart once again fluttering. But then you suddenly stop texting back. You know what it feels like? It feels like crap. Damn! It was hard for me to leave at the first time but then I take courage to leave. But suddenly you call me back and I lost all the courage. And then suddenly you throw me out again. Haaaaaah it's so God damn frustrating. It's all my fault. I should have not text you at the first time. It had failed, my effort to move on. And once again it crushed to its limit, my heart. 

I continued to live. Once again try to have courageous to erase you. Finally make a resolution if 2014 : move on. But God always says no when it comes to leaving you. You suddenly text me. Asking if I want to buy the ticket. Do I ever say no to you? This time to, there's something wrong. Your text were longer, and warmer. I thought there's something wrong with you. I guess you've been fighting with her.

It's been a while I'm worried about you. Since I know you've been busy preparing the event. And the last time your girlfriend break up with her boyfriend, it's because he was too busy. I'm afraid that she will leave you too now. I'm afraid that you'd get hurt. And then the next day I see you posted on Line, "nothing lasts forever". It pass straight to that hypothesis. This is bad, you're breaking up. Then I asked you, it turns out i was right. I see you, you're so hurt. And I cant even feel happy seing you being single because it hurts me too, seeing you're hurt that bad. I really wish I could heal your wounds but nothing's changed anyway. You still didnt look at me nor hear me. It's been 8 years, that you've been close your senses on my heart. On my feelings for you. The uncountable tears that has fallen, thousand words of love, how many seconds of my life, I've been using to think about you? It doesnt even make sense for me why I do love a man that isn't 'seeing' me.

But still I'm worried about you. I want to make sure you're okay. I ask it from ask.fm anonymously. It's surprising that the answers are so warm. You say that your heart is only mine, you say thank you, and you put emote on it too. Haha. It's so ironic that you'd say that to a stranger but not to me, the one that has been doing it for 8 years. Maybe it just because it's me. It hurts me even more, Rez. I really want to stop loving you. It's so hard and tiring. But everytime I try to move on, God says no. And when I think about it, maybe you're being cold is better for me than giving false hope to me. I'm sorry, all these years you've never been the one to blame. It's always on me. This love is a curse that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

I'll be fine, Rez. All those scars will heal for you like always. When you come to me, no matter what I'll open my arms widely. Live your life happily. Dont hurt too deep because it kills me too. Find someone else to heal your wounds quickly if you think I cant heal it. I'll be here, will always be. The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever have, all your goods and bads, I will stand by you through anything. :)

The Unseen

He's the one that smiles the brightest
He's the one that has always has always been there for her
He's the one that accept her as the way she is
He's the one that protect her
Being kind even if she doesn't care at all
Whether she knows or not
He's looking, checking.
Is she fine?
Is she smiling? Has something happened to her?
He's the one that has loved her since the first time he saw her
With his whole heart, he would do anything to make her smile
But why does she keep looking away? Is she blind?

God, is it fate? It's impossible to overturn Your fate, right? What should I do?  To me, he's everything. My effort will beat everything but Your fate. There's nothing else can save me but You.

"All those efforts, the unseen, for you", he said

Happy Birthday Mr. B :)

Sorry for the late post Mr. B but happy birthday to you. Hoping all the best for you. And I've prepared some things for your birthday. The one you've recieved and this one.

Thanks for having me at your house for the second time. Second time? When was the first time? The first time was when you texted me "where are you?" for the first time. Only just with those words I ran as fast as I could and come to you. You had to stay alone at your house that time because your maid went home and you need somebody to accompanying you. We were planning to go karaoke when I felt it's too late to do it and I need to be home at 10. So we stay, at your house, just the two of us. We talk about things, having conversation about your life. When I asked "Has your girlfriend been here?" and you said no. I was like, "wow, It's good to be the first" we stay at your bedroom. You were playing songs with your guitar and I sing along. I sneaked into your closet to see what clothes you've had while thingking what I should buy for your birthday. You were panicked not realizing that your house electrical power is empty and you need to buy it but you dont know how. So we went to the nearest minimarket and buy it. Done checking all the windows and the door if it's locked, I went home with a lot of things happening at my head. I was so happy. Happy about how you call me when you need someone. Happy for taking a good care of you. You dont know how much I love it when I see you smile, comfortable, and being cared of. The way you smile and say thank you when I bring you lunch when you were really busy preparing your school's bazaar is enough to pay all the pain you've made me.
After that all I can think is preparing for your birthday. Pouring all my effort to make the best present, not sleeping and make the video, not eating to save money, went here and there to got your friends's wishes, it was fun. Because I imagine how happy you'd be when you recieve it.  At the day came. We can meet at 25 march because you met with your girlfriend. The next day you told me to come to your house so I came. And you were so happy when you saw you presents. You said "thank you so much, i dont know what to say" while brightly smiling and melt my heart away. :) after that we had lunch together and talk.
I: you can date whoever you want now. But come to me when you've decided to get married.
You laugh......
R: why?
I: because if we date now,,,
R: wont happen
I: lets just say IF we date now. We might fail again, and I'm afraid you'd hurt me or I'd hurt you. I'm afraid my love for you will be gone while this feeling is the only feeling I believe will always be with me forever.
R: but isn't it will hurt more if I marry you and then hurt you?
I: well, i thought marriage would be different
R: why dont you date another guy?
I: why? Do I bothered you that much? You dont like me that much?
R: It's not that. It's just....... I dont want to see you waiting for uncertainty.
I: there's nothing certain happen. And I'm not waiting for you though. I would date a man when I find one. It's just there's no one right now. I'm just fine. Didnt I say I wont date you even if you ask me now. Why dont you just try making me lose my feeling for you?
R: how?
I: why dont you try to date me and break my heart?
R: eey... You just want me to date you huh?
I: hahahaha you got me. =))
I was laughing when we talk. Looking fine but I thought that you were trying to push me away. I was sad, hurt. But half of my head say it's just you, seing how hard I tried and feel that I deserve more than you. You were testing me whether if I wouldmsay yesnor no when you say you want to smoke. And I said sure you can. Dont you believe that I would accept you all the way you are? You shared about how you became a candidate of the leader for next year bazaar, and how you choose not to be and handle the other important part because you know they'll needed you there more than just be the leader. I love it when you tell me things about you and asked my opinion. But now you dont even respone to my message. Read only. Even the one that saying a cheer for your biggest happening event, PSP. You didnt even say thanks. But, yeah. What else can I do? Maybe that's because you're just having your first anniversary with your girlfriend. Congratulation. :) wish nothing but the best for you. Even if it's realy realy hurt me so much :') maybe I need to walk away now. Waiting for the day to come, when all my hardworks paid.

"I'd save the best (you) for the last, Mr. B :)"

After A Long Long Time

I really really dont know why I start typing again. I just wanted to share my feelings one more time.
I broke up with Mr. C and yeah that doesn't matter to me anyway. You know whom my heart belong to from the first time, dont you? Mr.B now has a girlfriend. A really nice, kind hearted, soft girl, they said. That's a relieved. It's not the main thing that I want to say. The main thing is the fact that him, having a girlfriend, doesnt change anything. He still wants to see me, play with me, help me get the tickets of his schools' bazaar. Well, I dont know what to say but thank you. For still having me as a friend, or someone who you can talk to.

You know what Mr. B?
After eight years filled with smiles and cries of loving you, I realize that the main thing is not being your girlfriend. It's being someone who will always be there even time passes by. I've experienced everything at these 8 years. Phase when I really want to know you, phase when you were bothered by my exsistence, phase when you started to be curious about me, phase of being your girlfriend, phase of the break up, the no-string-attached, being left with no reasons for many times, phase when we start enjoying our time together when I had a boyfriend, phase when I have to see you dating someone else for real plus the heartache and now maybe I've come to the phase when it feels alright even if you have a girlfriend. As long as you still talks to me, as long as I know you're okay, I think I can love you like this. I've learnt how to love you with every condition you have.

But lately, I faced a condition that I thought would never come. The condition when you're starting to seek something new. Those kind of usual boy's activity when they grow up. It was a quite shocking but then you've come clean that you're just trying it. And all I can do is just believing you and ask you to tell me everything even if you do something veeeeery bad. I thought I would be angry to you, and hate you because of that like what happened to Mr. C but I dont. Well you're always be treated different from any other man  in my life. The fact that your girlfriend doesnt know, makes me think that if being your girlfriend means you'll be lying to me, I'm relieved that I'm not your girlfriend. And the more I think, being your girlfriend means that I have to be ready whether you hurt me, or I hurt you. I have to be ready if it's failed. And a crazy thought passes my mind. Now you can have girlfriend(s) as many as you want but come back to me when you're ready for the serious one and marry me... Hahahaha

Phase "okay even if  he has a girlfriend" is hard to be passed. There's a guy who like my friend but she has a boyfriend. My friend wants to be just a close friend with that guy but that guy can't. He said that he cant be "just friend" because of his feelings. The option are being more than friend or nothing at all. And thing that happen is they're not becoming anything not as friend nor as a more than friend. But I manage to pass that, finally, after 8 years. My friend say that I am so strong. Yes of course, it's because of love. :)
People say many things about my love to you. Some of them say that i'm pathetic poor girl with a one-sided useless love. Some of them say that I disturb your relationship. Some of them say that I'm very very sincere. They can say everything but what I believe is that my love to you is different than any other love I've ever felt ever since I lived in this earth. And i've done a lot of difficulties after 8 years. It's not that easy to love someone like this. And I struggle with all of my heart. So, I have rights to keep this feeling.

Good night Mr. B, have a nice dream. ❤

Cie yang besok mau baca. Jangan ketawa ya! Jangan nangis juga bacanya. Senyum aja. Senyum gantengnya yang biasa kalau lagi seneng. Maaf kalau alay namanya juga lagi galau. .___. Jadi malu kan blog nya mau dibaca. Yaudah sih. Terakhir juga. Sebelum di spam. Keep smile!

Dgoyoeb

Dont ask how much i was hurt when i know you're dating her. Ask how much i'm happy when i know you're happy. I feel relieved, finally there will be someone who take care of you because i cant. And when my friend say she's a good girl. Well that's good i think. I admit i'm a jealous , it's a sign of love isnt it? But i will try to make it a wise jealousy. As long as you're happy, I'm fine. My friend say," Well, he cant just wait for you to break up with Mr. C, can he?" and yes she's totally right because i wont. I dont know but i thought he is more worthy and clear compared with you. I was hurt but, it's not the first you've made me so i think I'm getting used to it. Then what am I doing lately? Of course I love you a lot till it cant disappear. Meanwhile I know that i cant be your girlfriend. I dont know why you dont like me. maybe it was because all of those rumors spreading behind my back. Well i dont bother because i think someone who loves me wont even hear it. But maybe you're just not my destiny. Yeah whatever i'm tired though. All I had done it was just to make you happy. Because i love it, when i see you smile. maybe it's just how God shows me that you're not for me. That's why i'm walking out. Time will lead me to where i should be. Just take care and be happy. Go your own way and I'll go mine.

Fool

I'm feeling like a fool. Yes that fool, when you try to know the truth and when you've found it the truth is the one that hurts you so bad. I'm sad, i'm hurt but, half of my heart's relieved.
Let me hold you 
For the last time 
It's the last chance to feel again 
But you broke me 
Now I can't feel anything 

When I love you, 
It's so untrue 
I can't even convince myself 
When I'm speaking, 
It's the voice of someone else 

Oh it tears me up 
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much 
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay 

You can't play on broken strings 
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel 
I can't tell you something that ain't real 
Oh the truth hurts and lies worse 
How can I give anymore 
When I love you a little less than before 
Broken Strings-James Morrison

Whatever we've been through, your smile when you're looking at my scrapbook for you. When you wear that grey sweater and stay beside me. When I whisper jokes and you laugh, all those sacrifices for you, those waits. The hopes, of you having feelings to me. It should be waste away from now on.

If only I didn't care about you. IF ONLY I didn't ask what's wrong with you. If only I didnt ask, whom you love.

I: Jahaaaaaat, ga boleh suka sama cewe laaiiiiin. :(
R: Udah terlanjur suka. Gimana atuh?
I: Suka sama siapa atuh? P? T? M? Y? Y kan udah punya pacar? Atau U? Suka sama siapaaa? :(((
R: siapa yaaa? Kepo.
I: care tau! Suka sama temen sekelas ya? Pasti gara2 maen ke villa itu ya? :(
R: Iya, ngga ko udah lama.

You know what? I think I was like a donkey, or maybe I am.. It's not gonna change my feelings for you. It will always be the same. I love you, I still and will always be. It is not the first time you hurt me but still i cant deny that it hurts me. Why? Because of what we've been through last days, weeks and months.I'm sorry it was all my fault. I'm sorry. Maybe I should be back to the girl who miserably love you while you dont even care and see. Not being the one who use to hang out with you, who hold your hands when watching a movie. It was all my fault.

Sometimes I'm just confused. Why God keep this feeling for you very well in my heart? What does He want? What fate will He faces me with? Why???? Why should I love you this much?

Late, Happy birthday Mate. From your secret lover.

Hard

I found it hard not to post about you. So here I am. Posting for you, again.

Read only, I know. 50% of my messages for you always end up with read only. But doesnt mean i'm not hurt. I'm hurt okay? If only you would CARE. But you dont love me, do you? Not even a super tiny lil bit. That's what hurt most. But there's nothing I can say. I cant be angry.

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day
Broken Hearted Girl Beyonce

Cause right now i'm tired. And i need your cold "dont cry. I miss you. And it's right what Mr. Y said. When you didnt reply my messages, it makes me miss you more, want to see you more, not making me angry or mad. I just believe that you're the one that strong enough to be relied on when I'm down. But unfortunatelly you dont want to. And all I can do is only be patient. I miss you like a damn hell right now but there's nothing I can do.

When you not-officialy say goodbye, It's like I'm watching sunset. Cause I believe you'll be back. I just have to be patient.

Be back soon, Mate. I miss my halfsoul. I'm dying to make you see I need you here right now. I need your personality. I need your tickle, your smile, your big nose and your super big round eyes.

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of a winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best

What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
I wish that I was looking into your eyes
Won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay
Thinking of You Katy Perry

Now it was only just a dream

You got me counting the seconds
It happens every time
I'm waiting for the moment
we can sit down and talk for a while
And every time that you're near me
my heart is running away
How can I tell you when words don't come easy
and there is so much I'm trying to say

I wanna know that love will surround us
and you'll share it with me every day
Tell me you'll care for me now and forever
I'll give anything to hear you say
that I'm more than a friend

I'm gonna try in the future
not to live in the past
I guess that I was a dreamer
if I thought it could ever last
But every time that I see you
you bring me out in the sun
How can I hide it when we are together
I just know that you're the only one

I wanna make you see
everything you are to me
Try to understand
I wonder if you can
The love I have for you
will always be true

- More Than a Friend MLTR

The Last

Dont worry Dear, I promise I wont cry. I will post this with a very true smile and heart. :)

I was half joking, when I text you and said, "can we go out at this afternoon?"
You didnt text me back at that time. But when I was working on my try out you text me? "go out where?" i said up to you, movies maybe?
And you said that you didnt want to. I wasnt hoping much and i just said that i want to take my hairclip but then you said. "lets go to the movies." i was so hyped. Then you picked me up at my friend house. We watched This Means War, a romantic, action, comedy film. You were so happy, laugh out loud. We bought cute candies and I'm so happy to see you smile. :)
We did a lot of fun, yeah we went home at 4 pm but I can get in to my house because no one was there. So we sit at the car and talk much. We talked about our past.

I: dont you love someone right now?
R: Nope. I dnt know but i feel like cold. Flat. And nothing's working out my heart
I: not even a super tiny little bit feelings?
R: No

I was hurt, but I dont know why i'm still smiling. At least now I know. You dont have feelings for me. At least i wont expect anything more from you.

R: I feel happier being single. In a relationship means you're tied. But When you're single, you can be close with everyone.
I: one day you'll understand, when you finally love a girl, you dont want her to be close with someone else

I tickled you because you were so anmoying and you tickle me back. I love when we get close. felt like you half-hug me. And the way you put your head on my arms, the way you feel comfort when i cuddle you like a cat. :)
But then I see, you dont love me anyway. But I'm still happy. Even when I decide this is the last time I get close to you, the last post I will wrote for you, i still feel the love. And I'm fine. Totally fine. Thank you. That's the only thing that I can say.

I: i believe, lots of girls like you. But the one who really care? I dont know.
R: you're right, i think i'm going to tweet that!

I'm the one who really care, have and will always been. but now on i decide to take care of you from the far sight. :)

Good qoutes from the film,

"Is it possible to love 2 men equally?"
"To love? Yes. But to be in love? No. Dont go with the better guy, go with the one that makes you better"
I know I should choose, and i think i have chosen.
Thanks for the super hype beautiful days. I love you MRB

The Priority of My Heart

Happy Valentine my ex
What do you think you tweet?!?! Why it had to be 'ex' not 'exes'? It keeps me wondering whom it is for. :(
Like you're the only ex he has, Nga said Ms. S
I know, that's why i was confused. I shouldnt be so confident, hoping it was me. But it's true, I cant stop thinking about it. And the desire to post something about Mr. C gone in a second. Because it always has been you. The priority of my heart.
I text you twice and it all end with read only. I know I should accept that. But know what's right to do doesnt mean we can do it, does it?
And then the next day you text me. What a surprise? You ask for your shirt. Half of my heart say yes so I can meet you. But the other side say i should try to keep the t-shirt.

Now nothing feels right when I'm not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choo’s
Taking them off ‘cause I feel a fool
Trying to dress up when I’m missing you

I'ma step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In bed I lay, with nothing but your t-shirt on
(I’m all by myself with)
With nothing but your t-shirt on,
-T-Shirt Shontelle

Then I decided to say yes. So you came over, and then we went to places just searching my shampoo. And because my hard struggle finally we didnt get the shampoo, but we did photobox!! My dream came true. Thank you Love. :)
I told you things that I feel about those hurt feelings. Even though you didnt say something, i just felt better. The best part of that day is,
"Kamu tau ngga ada yang protes sama dp kamu?"
"Siapa gitu? Si ____? emg dia gimana?"
"ya gitulah ngtweet *PIIIIIIP*. ya lagian emang cewe nya ganjen sih ke kamu apaan nyender2."
"ehh. Cewe gue itu."
And then I was super shocked. I kept asking if it's true. But you stood still. And then I was suddenly sad, stop talking and not responding your jokes. And you said.
"pasti jadi galau ya? Ngga atuh bukan, ga punya pacar da."
Oh shit maaaaaan. You played me. T-T
And all I said was,
"Ngga ko, sebenernya ga galau. Mau kamu punya pacar seratus juga ga akan ngubah apapun."

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
'Cause I put to much energy in him and me
Can't wait till I get through this phase 'cause it's killing me
Too bad we can't rewrite our own history

Such a mystery when he's here with me
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain't how it's supposed to be

I'm having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
How do we reverse the chemistry?
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy, energy, my energy
Taking all of my energy, energy, my energy
Taking all of my energy

Seems only like yesterday, not even gravity
Could keep your feet off the ground when you were with me
How could two be as one then become so divided now?
There's no use hiding from misery, no
-Energy Keri Hilson
I love you. Thanks for everything. Hope to see you soon. :)

Sunshine Becomes You

Maaf ya. Sekali aja Aku pengen posting pake bahasa Indonesia. Udah ga ngerti lagi soalnya. Udah males banget kalau harus translate.
Barusan, sejak sekitar 4 jam yang lalu aku baca sebuah novel. Judulnya Sunshine Becomes You karya Ilana Tan. Kisahnya simpel. Cuma dari benci, jadi cinta terus taunya cewenya sakit parah dan selanjutnya. Tapi entah karena bahasanya yang enak, ringan rasanya novelnya jadi rame atau entah karena tiap si penulis ngegambarin Alex, aku jadi kebayang kamu. Dinginnya, jahatnya, cueknya, tukang nyuruh2nya, gantengnya, pokonya yang kebayang kamu aja. Tapi ternyata dikit2 Alex juga peduli. Mungkin awalnya simpel, terpaksa karena Mianya baik. Tapi ternyata ujung2nya malah dia yg suka banget sama Mia. Baiiiiik banget sama Mia. Mulai ngasih senyum sama Mia, mulai mau nanya Mia baik2 aja apa engga. Sampai yang jadi nganter kemana2, sampe mereka HTSan, gandengan tangan. Meskipun sempet ada beberapa orang pengganggu tapi tetep akhirnya mereka berdua juga.
Kadang aku mikir, pengen kaya novelnya. Pengen kamu berubah jadi baiiiiik banget, jadi sayang sama aku. Namanya juga ngarep. Kenapa aku ga boleh ngarep coba? Terserah aku kan? Tapi ya yaudah sih. Ini kan cuma berandai2. Pengen kl ad yg nanya kamu. "Kau sangat mencintainya bukan?" terus kamu jawab. "sepenuh hati." kapan km sadar ya kl ga akan ada lagi orang yang bisa sayang banget sama kamu kaya aku?
waktu liat dp2 baru kamu, asa nyesek juga beneran. Mungkin gara2 apa yang terjadi akhir2 ini. Tapi begitu liat org lain yg suka juga sama kamu ngeluh liat dp kamu juga. Aku sadar, kl aku bisa dan selalu sayang kamu dengan cara yang beda sama orang lain. Terus waktu aku selesai baca novelnya, aku ga jadi pengen jadi kaya novel. Aku mau hidup aja sama kamu. Ada pas km butuh seseorang. Terserah deh km mau nganggep aku apa. Cuma sayang sama kamu yang bikin aku tenang dan ga pusing. Dan aku selalu yakin kalau menangis bukan cara mencintai kamu yang baik. :)
I wont ask you to love me. I just ask you please call me when you need someone to hold on.
Gausah di kasih label ya? Kamu juga pasti tau postingan ini untuk kamu.

Do you feel like this?

Now that we are over as the loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways to keep the good alive
Only when we want is not a compromise
I'd be pouring tears into your drying eyes

Friends, lovers or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers or nothing
There'll never be an in-between, so give it up

You whisper "come on over" 'cause you're two drinks in
But in the morning, I will say goodbye again
Think we'll never fall into the jealous game?
The streets all flood with blood of those who felt the

Anything other than yes is no
Anything other than stay is go
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Friends, Lovers or Nothing - John Mayer

While I'm here thinking of you. Hoping for you. I dont even know whom are you thinking about out there.
mungkin memang ku yang harus mengerti
bilaku bukan yang ingin kau miliki
salahkah ku bila kaulah yang ada di hatiku?

adakah ku singgah di hatimu?
mungkinkah kau rindukan adaku?
adakah ku sedikit di hatimu?
bilakah ku mengganggu harimu
mungkinkah tak inginkan adaku
akankah ku sedikit di hatimu?

bila memang ku yang harus mengerti
mengapa cintamu tak dapat kumuliki
bila cinta kita tak kan tercipta
ku hanya sekedar ingin tuk mengerti
adakah diriku singgah di hatimu
dan bilakah kau tau
kaulah yang ada di hatiku
adakah ku di hatimu?

Maliq D'essential - Untitled

Thank you letter

On that day, you text me.
"what about now? Can you? Where are you?"
I reply it, half joking
"at home. Why dont you come here?"
And surprisingly you said
"ok, just let me finish eating."
OH MY GOD! Dont you know? my heart is pumping and i'm so happy and rollercoasting. WUUUUUU!!!
and waiting for you to come is so frustating me. And then you come, and we went out. Feeling you involve me, I'm so happy. Knowing that you want to help me searching things. Buy me a box of baby bear candy. And I'm so happy. So happy I could die.
And then the next 2 days. When the disaster day come to me. And it's almost late. 8.30 pm I call you asking where you are and ask you to come see me, and you came! What an amazing changes of you. :')
We went to the movie. You being care to me and listen to me. How you say sorry for hrting my hands, how you keep loking at me if I'm asleep. I dont know why I cant cry when I'm with you. You totally stole my heart. So I cant concentrate to other. We went home so late. 1 am. And i was happy-sad dont know why. But, now. You're cold again and i totally dont understand.
But thanks anyway. Thanks for your shoulder. :)

Me, angry and tired

I know this is all my fault. But i'm apologizing and still you dont understand and dont want to understand. I try to be what you want but why do you always see me on that way? The negative way. Me too, confused! you know. You ask a lot to me while i dont know who the one I being in a relationship with? Is that you? Or your son?
All i do is only to make your son happy. I know I did something wrong. And you should know that you did too. while I'm bravely say sorry and try to change it day by day, you insult me and hurt me so bad. Thank you anyway. Because I dont know anything else to say to you.
I did something to make your son happy and you said I'm wrong. You say i'm agressive, Over protective etc. All I ask you is dont! Dont act like you know what the hell is going on in my heart and my life because YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG!
I admit what I've done wrong. But I can be angry too if you say something that doesnt happen in reality.
And to your son. I love you, if only you would be patient and we'll see God will help us through everything. Just remember I'm right here by your side.

Over estimate

Once again, i think. How's your feeling to me? Is there nothing at all? Are you really the freelance guy without feelings?
Sometimes I wonder if we're both afraid. Afraid if we started all as a real relationship, we wont be this happy. I admit it, failed on the second chance with you will hurt me so bad. I prefer waiting until I think we can.... Yeah IF ONLY, you like me. Yeah maybe I over estimate you.
I just want to convince you that you're not my sidekick. I really really want you to know that i love you, so much. But, i'm afraid it would change everything. So i just keep silent.
Do you ever be jealous? I would be very happy if you do.
but, things you, we, do when we're together.... Makes me.... 'Rollercoasting'. too happy too sad until I drowned.

Maybe we're happy when we're together but not as a couple.

Insecure

Sometimes I envy them. Has a romantic man, has a beautifully written story of their dates.
But the next time, I wonder. .Why does it feel so good?
Because I compare it with my awful time with you. Then I change it. I close those sad books and open the happy one.
Then I realize there's nothing can be better than you, to be mine. Your ways to make me happy and to make me sad, it is all because I love you so much.
If I stay away from you, it's not because I hate you. It's because I'm afraid you'll leave me someday. And I should try to make it easy from now, letting you go, and be good with no more you beside me. I'm afraid I will love you more while you leave me more.
Like this time, I dont know why but.. It seems like you're busier. And now you make your wants as your priority. Not me anymore. And you seems like to forget to say sorry while you know that I hate of being fake-hoped.
Maybe I'm insecure but I just hope you understand me more.

Feel it now

There will come that time, when you should stop loving someone.
Not because they stop loving you.
It's because you realize that they will be more happy if we let them go.
Sometimes, the one who you love the most is the one who hurt you the most.

No String Attached

No String Attached
It was so you and me, wasn't it?
I was like Adam, who's fallen in love with you. And you're like Emma the I-dont-have-affectionate. We never meant it to be like love growing in our hearts. But, you do feel something. That's why you leave. For like, five or six times? And me like. Well fine if you want it. We hang out, I ask you and you come. We did like... Yeaah. Having relationship 3 years ago but it only last 1 month and you left with no reason, everybody knows that. And we still keep contact even I had a boyfriend like... Yeah no string attached. But it was totally happening at the middle of 2010. We went to the movie, doing that things, had a cute nickname. I had started all and you followed me. But soon you realized that all of these things are wrong. And you left. Again. You move here now. And we start seeing each other again. The hang outs. But the last hangout, we did something wrong again. Saw a movie and I was like holding your hand but. You went again. I dont know how's your feeling about me. But I do love you. We never picked up whom we're in love with.
Hope someday you will miss me and try to find me like Emma try to find the lost Adam